OUR FRIENDS IN THE NORTH (AND TAIWAN)
THE CONSIDERED OPINION OF THOSE WHO CHOOSE, FOR A VARIETY OF GOOD REASONS, NOT TO LIVE IN LONDON
TAIWAN JIMMY'S MEAT REVIEW
Our new correspondant from oriental climes. When one considers the lengths some poor sods will go to to get their hands on a passport it seems criminal that this schmuck was given rights to merrily gad about the world disgracing good Queen Betties name where ever he goes from birth. Has spent time inside a Jo'burg prison with a load of murderers. Has fallen into a sewer in Thailand and consequently contracted a number of nasy bugs. Make the most of him while he last. He writes:
hi all, i'm in taiwan! f*ck! if i haven't kept you up to date, i'm here to teach for a year! i'm loving it, the food is awesome, the people are a friendly bunch, but their english is about as good as my chinese, so i point and smile, and then they point and smile, and that all goes on for a while, very good.
the place is really cool, they have everything we do in the uk, but it all seems to work a bit better...the tube system is 50p a pop, and air-conditioned, so you're actually pleased to travel on it! its not rammed either... and its clean... they are also techno obsessed here, seen gadgets that have just blown me away, cameras and phones that make home seem, well, gay... (sorry ) saw a remote controlled car the size of a walnut in the shopping mall, and its bl**dy fast too! there are a lot of things weird about this place, especially the shops in the malls... what is there in the middle of the mall? a harp shop. f*cking harps. who the hell is going to buy a harp!!?!?!?!?!?? no-one, thats who. they are also obsessed with binoculars, so i close the curtains before i have a wank...
i get stared at a lot out here, not sure if its cos i'm a westerner or just obscenely ugly, i'm reserving judgement till i've been here a bit longer... old people are also a mystery out, they are scattered all over the place, on benches, stools in the middle of the pavement, the station, and they are all asleep! or dead...haven't examined them too closely. in fact, people seem to sleep anywhere, they will nap for about 5 seconds on the train, in restaurants, in cabs, good attitude really... there are also shops that sell sticks of bambo that they hit old people with, i actually saw this in the mall, a young person holds the granny and batters her on the shoulder or back. not sure if this is a medical thing or just a hobby for them, but i want in! wack wack wack!
its hot and sweaty, like my armpits, and there is the occasional storm too, the last one i saw was setting off car alarms with the thunder! wicked! the only thing i don't approve of so far is the cars, they are all really boring, you get the odd nice fast mitsubishi, but thats about it. so i'm gonna request copies of fast car and max power, got to keep my pikeyness flowing... later Jim
ps, the women here, o god the women.... i get a semi just watching bra adverts. have to cary a hat with me everywhere i go to hang on to my chopper. don't think the chinese take well to being poked in the back on the train by a smelly westerner...
It gets better, so much better........
well, i did some pretty wild shit yesterday...
but the cool stuff was a place called snake alley, which used to be a street with a load of brothels and snake charmers but the brothels are gone. instead there are some sex shops that sell fake rubber bums with fannys, even tiny baby ones, a little twisted.
but it gets better. the snake charmers mess around with a cobra, waping it with a bag and generally upsetting the poor thing. then he grabbed a hammer. and bashed the snakes skull in, infront of the crowd, lots of kids there and all that. so the then tie up the dead snake and cut it down the middle, popping the vein out so you can see it, then cutting it and draining the blood into a glass which has some oil in it. they drink this cos its meant to be good for you and make you randy (hence the brothels), and makes your eyes 'whiter' (?!!?).
he then cuts the heart out and puts it on the table, and its still fucking beating. it sits there pumping away for about half an hour! yeah!!!!! like indiana jones! so we're a bit stunned by the still beating heart,
but thats not enough, o no, he cuts out the gall bladder out too, and drains the brown goo in it into a cup with some more oil, and gulp that down. nutters. o, and this is all going on with a video of a dog fight in the background! i've never seen real dog fighting before so me and Rich were very pleased, 2 savage viewings in one go! there is a tank with python in it too, so he chucks a few baby chicks in there, which the python happily chows down, much to my happiness! why is all this not done in the UK??? its so entertaining!
there was also a lot of live turtles in tanks, but we didn't know why. i think you can guess... yes they are horrible shits, and a lady pulls out a turtle, rams a big knife in between it head and shell, give a good old twist, then lops the head off. sweet! i love this place more and more. we also went to a night market, where they sell live birds in a bag, and puppys. i didn't ask what they do with the puppys, i hope its for sex and not for eating cos i had a sausage on a stick from one of the stalls...
Mo' meat mo' problems
on a more cultural vibe, had a day off from babysitting rich punks to have the moon festival, a day where everyone has a bbq on the pavement with their family.as you are probably aware, the chinese like to have families, really bl**dy big ones. so there are about 400 extended cousins all eating 'sausages' on the street (i'l highlight sausages cos they don't really exist here, they are really bits of the knuckle packed into guts, and taste lovely till you lookdown at it and it reminds you of father).
the festival was very nice, had a bbq at a mates pad, lots of steak, lots of beer, and i don't get abusive once. i'll tell you about another food thing now (i find out some thing new and f*cked up everyday!) i bought a thing that looked like small cubes of blood pudding on a stick, then grilled. it was indeed tasty. about half way through my boss told me what it was... they tie up the pig, still alive, and stuff a metal tube into its neck to drain the blood and stuff onto a sloped floor, so it all drains into a trough. very nice, pretty standard stuff. but it gets worse... he said that the trauma of being stuck by a large pipe is normally a little too much for piggie to handle (i can testify to this), and it proceeds to sh*t and p*ss its proverbial pants. where does all the fun gunk go? into the trough. so its a blood, rice, p*ss and cookie cake on a stick. savages. naturally i finished it off. it gets worse, i had a bag of strawberry flavoured cheetos yesterday. mmmmmmmmmmm, yummy. who ever heard of strawberry flavoured corn snacks!?!?!? to celebrate me and rich getting mobile phones we went to a pub, had a beer and ordered some fried crickets. now i hear you ay 'everyone has had those!', well, you're right. but these were special, the had a french fry inserted in each of their little cricket bottoms, then give you a little pile of msg to dip them in. they take a brilliant idea and top it double time. i also saw a very old woman (like about 130 years old) who sold boiled pigs guts in a soup by the way, and she as playing a colour gameboy. fantastic. not an exciting fact, but i thought i'd share it. on a teaching note, i had a 'party' with one of my classes (yes, i wore the strap on, but underneath my normal clothes, they're not ready for the full power of jim just yet), and i wo at jenga by burping in the kids ear really loudly, thereby putting him off. i did a little dance, and once again you can see that i'm taking enormous (spelling?) pride in beating a child a third of my age at a game. there is also a hip hop club we've found out here, and on saturday night they have a night where you get very drunk, strut like a compton m*ther f*cker, then put on a helmet and gloves and proceed to beat the h*ll out of your mate, in a ring. fantastic. i don't remember if i mentioned this before, its quite possible, ignore me for being a chopper if i have.
Likes to paint and write songs. He'd probably love to be Daniel Johnston but is somewhat held back by a higher than average IQ and good looks. Encyclopedic knowledge of music (surprise, surprise) and a fairly random propensity for short unexpected bursts of schoolboy violence. Once walked naked into the Sugababes dressing room. This is his greatest mixtape given to me the day he left for Scotland.
This is a drawing he did. The rubbing is of a chocolate biscuit which melted onto the surface below
Tune in soon for actual recordings of his songs. mega.
Used to live in London and work in one of those record shops in Berwick st. Dan looks like this
A big fan of Ronnie Biggs and sausage made of donkey he got his macarena on and went to Spain for the sonar festival with vision s of starting an overseas distribution service.Seeings how he's well literate (he once wrote a Zongamin review for Jockey Slut "Think Zongamin. Think nice one."I thought maybe he could send us some enlightened view of the musical culture out there. ie what electro's like when the girls dancing to it aren't all ugly fashion students. He has thus sent me this:
Date: Sun, 06 Jul 2003 18:35:50
buenos tardes mrthomaswhitehead,,,,,,,, fuck all dem trendy buggers,,get a load of my new best mates,,marlon brando and the gimp,,marlon just sit's around on the beach swearing at the waves and approaching all the pretty girls in a most disgusting manner, fuck it's funny, apart from them dudes all's quiet on the spanish front line,decided the other day that work's really overated = i hav'nt done any yet,,,,,,but unfortunatly i will have to start tungate enterprises as from mananna,,and try n sell this lot some anti-climatic over pursued disco energy pop,,,,,
p.s i really like girls with long black hair,tiny waists who ride really old bikes this place is crawling with em = nice one
pp.s bought a catus (sic) the other day well done then,, thanks bye!